It’s a plot, I tell you. AI is here, and it will be the death of me.

It began with my Nanoleaf shapes. They just stopped working. The controller has given up the ghost, apparently. I’ve got another one, but I’ve been avoiding the setup. My experience with smart lighting is that it simply doesn’t work. Then, in the middle of an important Zoom call, the panels will burst into incandescent green light. Or blue. Or red. Or a rainbow of dancing colours. Eventually, they’ll work as advertised until they suddenly don’t.

Last week, another Nano quit. A light bulb, this time, from a table lamp in the living room. It’s disappeared from the Nanoleaf app and the home app. It won’t reappear. Dutifully, I search online for a solution and learn to reset the bulb by turning the light off at the plug for no more than three seconds. FIVE times. Obediently, it flashes. Reset done.

Of course, that means nothing. The bulb will not re-pair.


Sunday evening, I sent an e-mail to the guys who look after our water system and heating. I like them to give the system a once-over before the weather gets cold. They usually take a day or two to schedule a technician. On cue, Monday evening turned cold. Naturally, the heating steadfastly refused to come on. For good measure, it wouldn’t heat the water either. Awesome. Mrs L was pleased. I smashed every button or combination of buttons on the control, all to no avail. I bled the radiators, checked the wiring, cut and restored the power, and three times persuaded the furnace to start up. No heat came to the radiators, but it was nice to feel hope. We’re hoping for a call tomorrow with a promise of a new thermostat.

Later than planned, I finally got to my desk, just in time for the computer to go into some sort of update marathon. Undeterred, I took the laptop up to the kitchen.

We have an Asus mesh wifi. The main unit is in the living room, with a cabled extension down in the office and a wireless extender in the kitchen. Each has a reassuring gentle white light. So why was the kitchen node flashing blue?

Hours later, I’ve still got no idea. As is the modern way, the only option the user has is to cut the power, which I duly did. Several times, in order. On one leg, with a satsuma balanced on my nose. I logged onto the router, where I was presented with a myriad of options which may as well have been in Serbo-Croat. I sighed again, at which point everything started working.

Ain’t technology grand?

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